No Spend Month

One of my favorite bloggers, Andrea Dekker, recently wrote about how she and her husband took on a no-spend challenge. For an entire month they bought only the essentials and things they needed for already-planned projects. But no going out to eat unless they had a gift card, no unnecessary or impulse purchases, nothing.

Husband and I decided to give it a try ourselves this month. We will not go out to eat except to pick up food for our Father's Day tradition. We won't buy any clothes that aren't an absolute NEED, which means we shouldn't have to buy any at all. We can make it on what we have. No little splurges on Amazon. No Starbucks aside from the little bit of cash I have left on my card. We each get a little allowance of $20 per pay period, which we can spend if we want, though I mostly intend to save mine up and use it for a pedicure and a spray tan for my brother's wedding this summer. Bills, groceries, gas, already-planned house projects, and already-planned gifts. That's it.

So while that sounds super boring, I'm actually really excited to see how we do. I'm not a crazy shopper or anything, but I am notorious for the spur-of-the-moment online purchase. I get an email with an amazing coupon code and those jeans I've been watching for months happen to be on sale? I'm buying them. I see great reviews for an interesting sounding book? I'm downloading it. I rarely go out shopping, but I buy something just about every week. The UPS guy is practically family.

It's a good time for us to do this, because our vacation isn't until August, and we have a ton of birthdays in July and August. June is a quieter time for us. We're three days in and the only non-essential we've bought so far was pizza for dinner last night for us and my inlaws, but Husband and I used our personal cash and split the cost. They kept our kids for us while we went to a wake and bringing a simple dinner for everyone seemed like the best option, so we did it.

I'll have to temper the temptation to shop by staying off Amazon, spending time at the library, and saving my Starbucks card for a really weak, spendy moment. But I know we can do it, and I'm looking forward to seeing how some extra frugality impacts our finances, even though it's just for a month.

Wanna join us in Cheapdom? If taking on an entire month seems too daunting, try a no-spend week, or pay period. Just to challenge yourself.

Yuck. I Hate this Part.

Parenting is hard, y'all.

Recently we had to put the kibosh on one of Bear's friendships for the first time. We've always made a careful point not to do that, even if we weren't particularly fond of a kid because we feel that kids need to choose their own friends and make their own mistakes. However, this particular friendship had clearly reached its logical conclusion.

I'm not going to say negative things about anyone's child, but Husband and I decided that both the physical and emotional safety of our daughter was being compromised by this friendship and we finally had to exercise our parental rights to end it. Bear handled it well, as I think she had pretty much reached the same conclusion, but it still sucked to have to do. The kid is not a "bad" kid. She's just having a very negative impact on our daughter's well-being and so that was that.

She misses the convenience of the friendship when she's bored, and I do feel bad for her about that. But she has a few real, true friends who we don't mind driving her to see. Just another reason to get the heck out of this house as soon as possible. *sigh*

Some of her closest friends at her birthday party. Lazer Tag, anyone?

Love Your People

News came in last night that a family friend died tragically. I knew him, and he was a good guy. He was my uncle's best friend of more than twenty years, the uncle who is only five years older than me. We were raised more like siblings than uncle/niece and it's gut-wrenching to see him and his family suffering this way. This friend had young children. How do you choose who has to tell little kids that daddy is gone forever? Whose job is that? And how do you start that conversation? How do you choose what moment is best to change everything for them forever, to rip the security blanket from their backs and change their fundamental worldview?

What the hell do you say?

I have zero percent of the answers. Even today, as I cried a little here and there and worried about my family and this man's family and wished as hard as I could that I'd finally be the person to discover that elusive Right Thing To Say so I could fix it all, I still grumbled at my kids and cussed when I banged my knee and rolled my eyes at stuff that annoyed me. And constructed run-on sentences.

So maybe this is more for me than for anyone else, this reminder that we need to love our people as hard as we can every day. To create a solid 10:1 "I Love You" to "Grumble, grumble" ratio. To hug them perhaps a few seconds longer than they want us to.

I don't effing know. This life is so crazy unfair and crazy beautiful and crazy crazy. I don't have those elusive, perfect words. All I have is a collection of moments with my people, and I want those moments to count.

Things I Will Never Be Able to Teach My Children

At some point, many homeschoolers hear some version of the snide, "What qualifies YOU to teach? Do you have a degree?" I have not been subjected to this ignorant and most offensive query, because I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who have witnessed my Jeopardy! prowess are aware of my mad trivia skills. 1066? Battle of Hastings, mother f***er!

That said (so elegantly), I'm not as arrogant as I may seem. I know my limitations. And also, rote memorization is not real learning, anyway, so my quick recall on a well-known date means little. I believe an emphasis on critical thinking and instilling a desire to learn is far more important than being good with dates and, I try to learn my youngins in such a way.

Still, even with that in mind, here are a few examples of things I am fully aware that I will never, ever be able to teach my children:


High-level mathematics
Just about any homeschool parent you talk to will tell you that, at some point, they felt the panic of, "How am I going to teach calculus?" I never even took calculus. I was required to take Algebra I, Geometry, and Algebra II. And that is exactly what I took. Nothing more, nothing less. In college I took Math for Liberal Arts Majors. It was the only math credit I was required to have, and by god it was the only one I took. And I got a C in it. That was mostly because of attendance, but still. I am capable of better.

I would be proud if this was my kid. For reals.

Anyway, back to the choking, paralyzing fear of how to approach upper-level math. Simply put, I won't teach it. Seriously. I will teach my children the math basics that they will use in their lives, much of which you don't really have to "teach" to children because, like reading, the ability to add, subtract, and logically solve real-life math problems can be self-taught. We often play percentage games, where I let Bear figure out tips or sales and tax prices. We're going to do a 5th grade math workbook next year, just to "cover" math. But I can say with absolutely no hesitation that I have learned far more math as an adult in the real world, simply by putting the basics to use, than I EVER did in school. In school I came to understand that I was "bad" at math. As an adult, I've realized that I'm actually really good at it. I use it often and I use it well. But "it" has never been trigonometry.

So upper-level math. We'll determine its necessity for things like the ACT or SAT or whatever in high school. If we find that there is a need to learn it, I have many, many options, from private tutors to Leaves of Learning to free online resources galore at my fingertips. Very few teachers are experts in all the subjects they teach, as evidenced by the egregious grammatical errors I often spotted on letters home from Bear's former school. *shudder*

Skilled handicrafts

Awesome handmade hats from my friend, KP

We've discussed my komplete and utter kraft inkompetence, have we not? And yet, I find such value in the ability to be able to create beautiful things. I love the Charlotte Mason style of learning and while I have no intention of following it to the letter, I love her belief in learning to create useful things with our own hands. I have never been a fan of handprint turkeys or other such nonsense, cute as it may be. I love the sweet ornaments my Bear made for us in Kindergarten, because they can hang on our Christmas tree and make us smile. They are useful.

That said, when it comes to creating beautiful, useful handicrafts, I'm basically useless. I've been learning to sew a bit, and I can fix a simple hem or sew on a button just fine. But I cannot crochet, or knit, or embroider, or whittle, or any other delightful craft. And I can't teach my children to do those things, either.

But...I know people who can. My mother-in-law is a whiz with a paintbrush. She can also crochet, she has already taught Bear to cross stitch, and she's adept at figuring out things she's never done. Husband gets his handiness from her, I think. He uses it in different ways, but the talent for creating useful things with his hands is the same.

I'll never have the patience or probably even the drive to truly master any handicrafts, and will therefore be unlikely to be of much use to my children. But we're fortunate to have access to talented people who love us and want to share their gifts and knowledge with us.

Perfect homekeeping
In this season of my life I'm lucky to get by with adequate homekeeping. Technically the laundry and the dishes and the tidying up and the toilet and the bathtub and the bed-making and the vacuuming and the sweeping and the mopping and the dusting fall under my chore umbrella. Chorebrella.

But yeah...no.

This is what a priority looks like.

I could get all of those things done in a day. I could. I could do it if those were all I had to do. However, I am also responsible for planning, shopping for, and preparing the meals; overseeing the budget; learnin' the youngins; running various errands; and at some point, taking care of myself. I'm not a martyr here. We're all busy and have a lot on our plate. What I'm saying is that on any given day, I can possibly take care of two or two and-a-half of those things. I can do the important cleaning (anything that attracts bugs if not tended to), care for my children and do Bear's lessons, and possibly one other thing.

And then I'm spent. That's it. There is no more time. So on any given day, there is a stack of overdue library books under a half-finished grocery list and a pile of expired coupons on my counter top. Next to it is a casserole dish that totally needed to "soak" for two or three days, and there are probably Legos or something soaking in it, too. My hair is likely in some form of twisty, I-give-up knot because it hasn't been cut since November (true) or washed since Friday (also true, though hopefully not by the time you read this). My to-do list probably reads something like this:

Dishes
Laundry (change pillowcases!)
Finish grocery list and coupons
Pay car insurance bill! Due today!
Check Bear's math from the last three days
Finish sewing up holes in Bear's socks
Thaw chicken for dinner
Write out birthday cards for [whomever] and [whomever else]
Run out to get stamps!
Bank
Library
For god sake, SHOWER.
Read one chapter of a book, just for pleasure
Bathe Bug
Have Bear take a shower


By the end of the day it will likely look something like this:

Dishes
Laundry (change pillowcases!)
Finish grocery list and coupons
Pay car insurance bill! Due today!
Check Bear's math from the last three days
Lessons
Finish sewing up holes in Bear's socks
Thaw chicken for dinner
Write out birthday cards for [whomever] and [whomever else]
Run out to get stamps!
Bank
Library
For god sake, SHOWER.
Read one chapter of a book, just for pleasure
Bathe Bug
Have Bear take a shower

Again, I am nobody's martyr. I have a strong feeling that I am singing a very familiar tune here, and this is just the season of life I'm in right now. And my husband helps out with "my" chores quite a lot, without having to be asked and without so much as a grimace. But I will never, ever be that hyper-organized, pulled-together mom who can get it all done. I think that takes a very particular personality type along with a particular set of skills, and it's a rare combination.

I will teach my children how to keep a home well enough. Well enough means everyone is fed, rested, and loved. That, I can do.

This post got super duper long (that's what she said). So anyway, those are a few of the things I will never, ever be able to teach my children. What do you suck at?

Stuff That is Current, Or Something.

I have about a dozen blog posts half written and sitting in a queue that may never see their numbers come. I know anytime a blogger randomly goes silent they're all, "Things have been so busy!" Blah, blah, blah. I'm no more or less busy than I usually am. I just haven't felt any particular inspiration to post. Fact.

The babies at the Nature Center

A quick update on our goings-on:

House stuff: Not yet listed, most major projects complete, not searching for land right now because our main focus is on unloading this house.

Homeschool: Four weeks to go, wrapping things up, planning a light last few weeks, also planning for next year with lots of research and lists and other things that I could spend far too many hours doing, just because I love this shit.

Kids: Bear took the National Mythology Exam in March and scored a 100%. She's taking the summer off from bowling to enjoy her Saturdays and is signed up for a drama daycamp one week this summer. She's doing great with her lessons and continues to be a kickass big sister. Also, she's joined a Girl Scout troop and we could not be happier with it. It's chock-full of the kind of kids she barely knew existed: kind, giving, well-raised kids who make her feel good about herself when she's with them. The kind of kids I hoped she'd find eventually. To be fair, she has two awesome friends (A and J) who fit that mold, too. She just doesn't get to see them much anymore since we pulled her out of school and they don't live within walking distance.

And she'll be TEN in two weeks! TEN!

Bug is twenty months old and is such a busy little thing. We have quite an enjoyable and relaxed morning routine now that I've caved and let him watch a little bit of tv. Every morning when he wakes up he wants to watch a few episodes of The Wonder Pets, and I use this time to drink coffee and wake up my brain. Then we do breakfast and read a few books. He is so, so fun right now. We're definitely starting to see the Toddler Tantrums, and he has so much personality. It's challenging, but usually fun.

Tumbling: I've got my back hand spring and am working on my round-off back hand spring. It's a blast.

Writing: Dude. I miss it. But every time I think, "I'm going to query some potential clients! I have an awesome marketing idea! I'm going to [fill in the blank with something enthusiastic]!", I find that in this season of life, I just do not have time. When I'm not caring for my children and running this house, I'm tired. So for now I am only taking the occasional resume client and have pretty much put querying on hold. I'm not actively seeking work at all and only taking what comes to me, and only then if I know I can give it my best.  

That's what's going on. A lot of same old, but it's an ever-changing same-old. Does that make any sense? Probably not. Another reason I'm not posting much these days. My brain refused to construct a coherent sentence.

What Does a Bad Day Look Like?

I've been consciously working for some time on tweaking my perspective. You see, I am a white, middle-class, American woman. This means that the cards I was dealt were pretty good before I traded any in. It's not right, it's not fair, but it's a fact in our society and I think pretending it's not is foolish.

No matter what, I get to snuggle this Bug every day.

That's not to say I don't have problems. Everyone has problems. I have anxiety that, at times, cripples me. That sucks. My kidneys are formed weird (Google "medullary sponge kidney") which makes me prone to kidney stones. I get them every few years and it's unpleasant. Honestly, NOT a huge deal and NOT something that affects my quality of life, or even will down the road, but definitely a problem at times. And like everyone else with children, I'm raising mine in some very unstable, uncertain times, when the economy is fickle and violence seems to permeate even the "best" neighborhoods and college tuitions are going up while paychecks remain flat. Things are tough out there and we all feel it.

So yeah, there are some normal, every day problems. And on occasion there are more acute problems. Sick loved ones. Financial emergencies. Things that keep us in the immediate, in an unrelenting fight-or-flight state of mind. Legitimate problems that we have every right to fret about and lose ourselves in.

Um, Jen? You said something about perspective? All you've done so far is whine about yer trubbles, so...?

I'm getting to that. Stay with me. I'm un-coffeed because we were out of milk this morning. It's a really difficult time in my life.

So perspective. My tendency is to fall into the Bad Day Trap. I totally just made that phrase up. It's not very witty. Again, no coffee. Anyway. Bad Day Trap.

The BDT begins with something small. A broken juice glass, an empty milk carton, a stubbed toe...something that is unpleasant and inconvenient, but generally not life-altering. It happens, and my mind immediately goes, "Well, there goes THIS day!" In my spoiled brain I am immediately having a bad day, and every minute occurrence that I encounter for the remainder of the day will build upon the last until I am so disgruntled and irritated about the obvious conspiracy that's been hatched against me that so much as asking me to pass the salt may result in the loss of one's head.

source

Does this sound even remotely familiar to anyone? Please say yes so that I can move on without feeling quite so much like a crazy freak.

What I've been trying to do lately (and by "lately," I mean over a period of months) is to get my brain out of that hyperbolic sense of self-pity as quickly as possible and just laugh at this stupid shit. If I can jump on Facebook and make a joke about the adversity I'm facing because of the empty milk carton, then I can move on. I can remind myself that minor, inconsequential inconveniences are not actually the same thing as problems. I can laugh with my children instead of shrinking into my sweatshirt and glowering at the unjust world. I can stop letting bumps in the road become twisting, mountain passes with steep drop-offs.

Because frankly I'm going to need that energy for when something really does go wrong. And something will at some point. But if finding that the dog has chewed one of the kids' toys is going to send me into a death spiral of despair, then how in the hell am I going to muscle through something larger, something that, if given leeway, could really break me?

I have to reserve that energy for the times when I will need it. For the good of my family and of myself, I have to put things in perspective. And I'm not talking about reminding myself that it could be worse or that people in other countries have it so much harder, although those things are true. I'm talking about acknowledging the inconvenience or frustration, giving its due but nothing more, and moving on with my day.

If I can do that, then I will know a bad day when it actually happens. I will be able to look back and see far more good days than bad, because the actual bad days will be so stark against the wall of good.

I'm finished with my thoughts now, but I challenge you to go back through this post and count the random metaphors. There are a lot of un-coffeed metaphors up in here. That's how I am rolling on this most beautiful, chilly, wonderful day.

Time to Fix Crap!

Husband is off this week from both school and work and we're using the time to fix the CRAP out of some crap. Paint, doors, floors, steps, carpet...shit is HAPPENING.

We're going to be extremely busy as we move all our packed stuff into my sister-in-law's basement (thanks, SIL!) and clean and fix and replace and whatnot all the things. I'll take lots of pictures, as I know you are all on pins and needles.

*eyeroll*

Anyway...we're busy. My nails will not be did, as they will likely be caked in interior paint. My hair will not be did neither either...or something...as it will probably also have lots of paint in it, and also ponytail holders. It will be a fine mess. But we're almost there!